May 6, 2006
Posted by yaman
The anti-Epiphany
I suppose that with those rare moments of truth and insight–or what we perceive to be as such–also come those with polar qualities. They lead in different directions, ultimately, but their primary, most convincing, and most powerful asset is the ability to inebriate the mind in ways that permit one to conveniently forget and willfully neglect past attitudes or thoughts and to anxiously jump forth into whatever may come. The product is unpredictable: it could be eternally fruitful, or maybe only for a time, or perhaps a catastrophe in and of itself.
But, following that initial transitional grace period of comfort and security–or perhaps the illusion of such–comes another altogether unexpected and unwelcome realization or sensation that, whilst we once thought ourselves to be following the road or at the very least to have known of its existence and direction, will convince us otherwise. That is the moment where the light we are graced–or punished–with reveals to us that the road was never there. Or, perhaps, it blinds us to it.
In either case–whether the road has actually disappeared or we ourselves have become blind–the result is the same: a sense of loss regarding what was once had, a simple human being left in utter confusion, a wreck of flesh, bones, and heart left in a clutter of existential questions.
Meanwhile the disarray takes its toll. That mess of a human must be quite the eyesore–and fret not. He sees himself in the mirror.
Yes–it is true. My heart has again left the folds of Islam, and with that lost layer of warmth has been re-exposed to a cold to which it had once grown accustomed. Though the flirtation lasted for but a brief period of six odd months, the unholy union took a cataclysmic toll on my life with the unexpected birth of a set of new eyes, a new social circle, and a previously unknown and ultimately stifling, blinding, and incapacitating inclination to mental, emotional, and political submission.
21 Comments
March 8, 2007
so you’re not muslim anymore?
March 8, 2007
your heart has left islam–has your mind?
March 8, 2007
Saying that one’s heart has left doesn’t necessarily mean that one has left Islam. Confusions, doubts, and questions are one thing, but Kufr is to deny the shahada, which he has not done.
I recommend that you take all concerns and talk to someone qualified in Islamic philosophy/sciences so you can make a truly informed decision.
March 8, 2007
yaman, why don’t you clear this up for all of us?
March 8, 2007
you’re all retarded!
March 8, 2007
Islam makes too much sense to just “leave it.”
He just wants attention.
I call it “Emo.”
March 8, 2007
talking to someone qualified in philosophy/sciences wont give us any insight into YAMAN as an INDIVIDUAL, dumbass. if anybody wants to know about him why dont they ask him themself, if they feel that this is their business, then they should be close enough to him to just fucking ask by themself. you are all wussies asking him questions via anonymous comments.
March 8, 2007
yaman i still love you !
March 8, 2007
Wow, sorry everybody. It wasn’t notifying me by e-mail of all these comments… so the awaited response.
Anonymous #1: I cannot call myself such.
Anonymous #2: No, my logical quips with the religion are not significant. There are certain issues which are difficult to reconcile ultimately, but are easy to ignore when you are a believer (for example, why was slavery allowed to continue, why is it easy for people to corrupt the holy text into something that allows murder, terrorism, suppression of free thought, etc). Like I’ve said before, though, once your heart is dead they are no longer acceptable. Once your heart is dead you cannot continue to go along with the routines. I am honest to myself and I could not live in such a position. As far as I know, that position (it would cause one to be a munafiq) is more deprecated in Islam than a lie.
Anonymous #3: You are right that I have not denied the Shahada, and I don’t plan to. I’m not a proclaimed atheist, and I haven’t announced that I believe Islam to be false. I am glad you made the distinction between the state of the heart and the state of mind. I don’t believe illness of the heart can be remedied by hearing other people speak, though. In the meantime, I cannot honestly tell people that I am a Muslim.
Anonymous #4: Sorry!
Anonymous #5: Ok.
Anonymous #6, aka Kamran: I’m glad you know me so well that you’ve realized I just want “attention.” I’m also glad you claim to know my intentions. Great. Good job. Just another thing to add to the list of lies you’ve spread about me. If you weren’t so cowardly, you wouldn’t have posted anonymously to insult me. At the very least other people were more civil and understanding.
Anonymous #7: Thanks for that, you have the best assessment so far.
March 8, 2007
Lies?
Just as you lied about not disrespecting the flag with the Shahadah on it, which Mohar had to pick back up, for the sake of respecting the NAME of his God? Yet you claim you never did such a thing, when there was several witnesses at the scene? Get real.
You are a coward at heart, and you have the heart of a 6 year-old girl. When you want to come back to the Ummah, you are welcome to.
I doubt you can handle the truth though, obviously shown by you in the past couple of weeks.
March 8, 2007
Kamran, why are you so worried about protecting God? Is He not able to do that Himself?
March 8, 2007
kamran, you need to chill out. You really aren’t getting anything accomplished, and you’re not going to by labeling and judging people by what you think to be the ‘right’ way to go about doing things.
Sorry, had to say that.
Otherwise: I think that it was very brave of you, Yaman, to realize that your heart was ‘dead,’ as you put it. I think that there are a lot of people who are missing this crucial piece to their deen, but yet still go through the motions of it all because of the various pressures around them. I hope and pray that you will find happiness in your future endeavors.
Anyway, all in all, you’ve got me thinking as usual.
March 8, 2007
the anonymous before mehmet must be miralem. lol
March 8, 2007
and mehmet, there is, from an islamic standpoint, value in just going through the motions. realize yourself that judging other people who just ‘go through the motions’ as people who are missing a crucial piece of their deen. you have no way of knowing. you are every bit as judgmental as Kamran, both of you need to chill out.
i agree with you, mehmet, though… Yaman masha’Allah you aren’t the type to be deceptive, and brave enough to go through this sort of thing without hiding changes within yourself from others, as many in your situation choose to do. insha’Allah you’ll be rewarded for your intentions, and will find the peace you need to live your life with a necessary degree of contentment and security, wherever you may find it.
March 8, 2007
Oh, no, I didn’t mean to judge. Yeah, some people are perfectly happy just knowing that this is the right thing to do, ie. logically deducing that islam is the right path etc. while others, like Rabia al-Adawiyyah, for example, would not let her mind wander into the existence/non-existence of God (just an example, she had many other thoughts on many issues) because she thought that the pure act of wondering was kufr. She instead would love God for the sake of loving Him for his beauty, purely through her content heart.
I know for a fact that I do not have a heart that is content with all of Islam, but yet I still go through the motions. I know that I might be missing a crucial part of my deen. This does not mean that I am a kafr, nor do I judge people because I have certain perceptions of what a true believer should be.
March 8, 2007
Kamran, your portrayal of what happened (you were not even there!) is skewed and framed in order to make me look like an evil person. I did not fold up the flag and toss it on the ground to “make a statement” or to “insult Islam.” I simply put it where all the other SJP material was being stored–underneath the table. If anybody was insulted by this or felt like it was an intentional move, I apologize for being unwittingly offensive.
I also feel like your level of ability to back up your incessant attacks on me is very weak, as is indicated by the decreasingly intellectual nature of your posts here and on facebook.
March 8, 2007
kamran you do not speak for the Ummah.
March 8, 2007
OK. I apologize.
March 8, 2007
“or do I judge people because I have certain perceptions of what a true believer should be”
and you take those perceptions and share them with everyone else, which is what kamran does.
March 8, 2007
Kamran: Apology accepted.
March 8, 2007
mA yaman most people need YaBB or something to host forums on their website, but all you had to do was update your blog ;)
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